Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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