Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
