Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
