did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
