at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
