if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
