oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
