When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
