No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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