Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
