In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
