Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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