i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My penis needs a shock collar
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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