Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
