highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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