So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
