I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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