Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
