i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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