The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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