it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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