There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
