YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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