Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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