The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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