I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
