Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
