Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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