i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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