It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
