Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
