i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
