Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
