So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
