Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
