Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my being single is dangerous.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
