DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
