You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
