i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
