We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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