i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
