Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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