The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
