im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
