she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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