I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
