Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
