3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize