I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
