Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
