i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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