WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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