i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
