If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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