how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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