Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
