I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
