so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
