guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
