i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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