I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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