I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize