Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
