I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
